Relationship Clinic III
“How do you know if you are ready for marriage?”
Bible Study synopsis 02/25/15
Delivered by Bishop Walker
Marriage is a long time commitment. It can’t be based on a temporary emotion or how you feel about a person. Marriage should be based on a rational assessment of needs. We don’t come together in marriage based on how we feel; we enter marriage with the intentions of meeting our spiritual, physical, and emotional needs along with our short-term and long-term goals.
What’s strange is we spend time in school preparing for our careers, but we don’t spend time preparing for marriage. What should we do when preparing for marriage?
Working on me before we
- Self-identity – Do you know who you are? Psa 139:14 says 14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.- God created us in a way, that we are unique. If you don’t know who you are, you will look for somebody to define you. When you know who you are, no-one can define you.
- Self- sufficient – No one should get married just to get their bills paid or to have a better life. It is God’s intent for you to be able to take care of your own self. Get your own house first, before you get married. Pro 31:16 says 16 She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard. – The virtuous woman mentioned in the previous verse is an She is a business woman so to speak. Pro 31:23 says 23 Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. – In other words, they both have it going on. Both the husband and the wife need to have to be productive people of purpose within the relationship.
- Self-confident- When you come together in marriage, you should be of one flesh. Two people, who come together in marriage, should compliment each other, not complete each other. Neither party in the relationship should have to give up half of themselves to be with the other. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself or your dreams just to get married. How many of you have heard people say, “He or she makes me complete”? This sounds like half a person looking for another “half person” to complete them. Genesis says be fruitful which means to do something that yields fruit. Do something that yields fruit before you get married! What are you doing to bear fruit? Be fruitful and multiply and know that one shall know a tree by the fruit that it bears. Know that if you are just a ½ of a person before getting with someone, and you give up half of yourself for that person, then you end up being a ¼ of a person which is less than you began with.
Must love God first
1 John 5:3 says 3 For this is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. – Whomever I connect with, must love God. The world will tell you that this is unrealistic, but this is the same world that says the word of God is too hard to live by.
- When somebody is in relationship, God should be at the core – 1 John 4:7 –7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. – The essence of a relationship with God at the core is
- What does love look like?
- It gives – John 3:16 says 16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.– Love is not a noun; it is an action. When somebody says they love you, it is giving. This does not necessarily mean to give clothes, flowers, or etc… Giving in other words means to complete a need. You have a right to those needs as well. These needs consist of things like your emotional needs, the physical needs, long-term and short-term goals.
- Ministry meets needs – Ministry meets needs. Marriage for instance, is a ministry that meets the needs of the people who are in it. By coming to an altar with someone, you have to believe that all you needs will be met by the union you are about to enter.
- Love is visible – Col 3:14 – 14 But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.- An outward expression of love is evidence of love. It does no good to say it, if you don’t show it. Most men that are over 40 never saw their parents express love publically. This is why some men are not able to show affection today. Regardless, love should be Whatever you love maturely will shows up externally. Ex- When you go to a basketball game, and your team is down, you go crazy when they come back and win. You love this team and it shows externally. What you love will show up. 1 Peter 4:8 says 8 And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.” – When you get married, you will marry an imperfect person, just like yourself. You will do stupid stuff during your relationship, but the person who loves you, will give you immunity simply because they love you.
Got to prepare for more than the big day
- Establish a path of destiny – Psa 37:23 says 23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord,
And He delights in his way. – You are a couple of destiny. Gen 12:5 says 5 Then Abram took Sarai his wife and Lot his brother’s son, and all their possessions that they had gathered, and the people whom they had acquired in Haran, and they departed to go to the land of Canaan. So they came to the land of Canaan.–God told Abraham to go to a land he would show him, but he needed Sarah to go with him, because without Sarah, his blessing would not happen. In a healthy marriage, you got to be willing to take your spouse with you into the blessings.
- Lots wife got left behind, because she wasn’t willing to follow her husband into a new life and new place. Remember when they were supposed to leave, Sarah looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. She turned into a pillar of salt, because she was stuck in her past. When you are with a person that is not willing to follow you where God is taking you, then you will end up stuck and salty just like Sarah. Ex – People that fuss about you doing too much for God do so because they are stuck. Amos 3:3 says 3 Can two walk together, unless they are agreed – we got to make sure we unite with people that we are equally yoked with. We have to be with someone that will share in our goals and visions.
- Make sure you both are traveling the same path– Amos 3:3 – 3 Can two walk together, unless they are agreed – If you have problems with a person in the dating area, it will be the same on the marriage path. – Don’t think you can marry somebody and change or save them. They have to want to change or be saved.
- You got to talk – Ex – This is a Public Marriage Counseling Session:
Marriage is not the merger of two lives. Marriage is really the collision of two histories. With marriage, you meet in your right now. You don’t go deep into your past while you are in this moment. You start your relationship in the right now.
The question then comes, what produced the right now? One day the guy is going to say something that makes the female cry. As a result, she acts hysterical and he doesn’t understand why. The truth is, she is not being hysterical, she is being historical. The two never had that conversation about her past issues. You can’t expect him to understand what you haven’t told him. You didn’t tell him, because you don’t trust him with you vulnerabilities. The question then becomes, well why did you get married then? You got to have that deep talk first. You have to have that talk about your past.
As a result of your past, you have needs now. It is ok to talk about you spiritual and physical needs. You don’t explore those physical needs before marriage, but you do talk about them. For example: Person 1: “I like water”, Person 2 “I like juice”. Person 1 “If we get married, would you be willing to try it?”
Now this is what church does to us. You’re not going to take a gospel CD on you honey moon. There is a time for that, but you can’t be so naïve that you don’t have to have that talk. These discussions shouldn’t be taboo. If you don’t have that deep talk then you can’t expect your needs to be met within your marriage. The point is you have to talk. This conversation or this deep talk needs to be about money, communication, your goals and your needs.
- Listen – Women, know that men traditionally are not wired to listen. It actually is uncomfortable for a man to listen. In fact if you were to send a text message to your man and tell him that you need to talk, then you will have messed up his whole day. Women on the other hand are communicators. The woman wants to feel comfortable communicating with you. Women, men want you to know that they can talk without talking. They do, but not talk.
Ask yourself the right questions
- Can I live with this person for the rest of my life? Assume you are 20yrs old when you get married. 20 years is a score and the bible only promises us a life span of 3 score and ten which is (70). During this time, our bodies will shift and our looks will change. You got to ask yourself, can you sign on to be with this person for the rest of your life despite the changes or hardships? You will not be the same person you are today, 5 yrs. from now. You got to have somebody for your not yet, not you’re right now!
- Is this person the right one for me? Don’t be like those people that think “this is the one” every six months.
- Will this person love me and my family? You don’t want to connect to a person that can’t interact with your family. This is a package deal.
- If sickness or tragedy strikes our family, will this person stick with me? Do you want this person by your sick bed praying for you in the time of tragedy?
- Does this person share the same values as I do? Do they share same values as you when it comes to education, life, and dreams?
- Can this person and I grow at the same pace? Can they keep up with me?
- Can this person handle my flaws without judging me? Pro 4:77 Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.- Use wisdom when choosing a mate.
Be honest about you relationship. Don’t be unequally yoked. You got to ask yourself, does this person really get you?
In conclusion here is a quote for you concerning relationships “There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.” (Homer) – In other words, you oughtt to see a future with each other. Know that while God is working on you, somewhere else, God is working on another somebody just for you. Not only is he working on somebody for you; he will then orchestrate a way for you to meet that perfect someone for you.